I go into a different dimension when I train muay thai or any martial art. The world around me blurs and I see very little outside of my direct vision. I become a different person, absorbed in a miasma of self recreation, personal gain, and the pursuit of power.
Nothing around me seems to matter, immediate or across the spans of the globe.
But as I whined down, the brow of my eyes relaxes, and my body cools down from the training I so religiously take it through the mental stimulation that has its roots in a violent and aggressive origins becomes something completely different.
It changes to a much more open and inviting mindset one that understands and empathizes and offers a sense of comfort in what can sometimes be a cold and unforgiving world.
When I train I obsess, there is nothing else, or anyone else. All that matters is me and my mission for the day. Often times mistaken for rude, and most definitely self absorbed the process of my training regiment is one that requires absolutely focus.
Flashback just a few short years prior and the image I reflect is a different one altogether. With very little time spent being physically active myself I spent hours upon hours involving myself in the world of others.
Offering advice even when it was unwanted, trying to fit an image of a selfless righteous human being who burned with a desire to help others and feel closer to others but almost always fell short.
I spent too much time trying to “fix” people; it was everything I did basically. I would wake up every morning and build up a huge and unrealistic expectation for others and myself and while my heart was in the right place my approach was anywhere but dead center.
I was unhappy; with myself, with who I was, with where I was going, with everything. I became so disillusioned that I claimed my unhappiness stemmed from the unhappiness that others around world experienced and that I would never rest until that suffering ceased.
If you would have told me that all I need to do was forget about everything and focus on myself I would have laughed at the idea; but it was true.
My saving grace for all ails of my life was me. Instead of looking at the world and picking out all of the things I could change in it I look at myself and realized all of the things I could change there.
I became selfish, self absorbed, and obsessed with bettering myself.
I knew myself; I knew how absorbed I could become; I knew how much energy I could put into just one thing; and because of that I was afraid of what I would become if I put that much energy into myself. For a lack of better words I was afraid of allowing myself the greatness that is my and all of our birth right.
My fears were put to rest
I didn’t become the arrogant heartless individual that I feared I’d become.
As I transformed so did my vision, my outlook, and my approach to all things. I stopped looking at things as a personal and complicated investment and instead began to see things for the simple elements and fundamentals that they truly were.
I stopped expecting and began understanding. Fear became confidence, doubt became laughter, and hesitation became action.
Instead of viewing things through the looking glass of struggle, courage, and glory; I began to see things through the the lens of compassion, love, and community.
I am happy, and because of that I am now able to help others achieve the same. I cannot “fix” anyone no one can, but I can lend a helping hand and that’s all anyone ever really needs. Just a helping hand.
The love for the self turn out not to be the evil I had been told it was, but the gateway to my capacity to love others, to feel loved, and to accept love as well.